YOU. DON'T. KNOW. ME. -- you just think you do.

Matthew 7:1-5 (the Message)
1-5 "Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor."

Harsh words. And a bit hard to swallow when you know you're guilty. I've spent nearly my whole life living under the rule of not judging people because I don't have a clue what their life may be like. I make excuses for their behavior and their treatment of me and mine based on the assumption that 'something must be going on that I don't know about' and I forgive and move...and yet I don't receive this consideration from others often at all....more like, almost never. Truthfully, some days, I'm just flat out tired of apologizing for both my mistakes and theirs too. I know, that's horrible of me. It's a good thing Christ has enough Grace to cover me because I certainly need it. It's hard enough being a sinner seeking Grace in good health, trying being one in constant physical pain. :(

I'm currently struggling with what the husband refers to as 'the tone' but we'll call it my 'short answer system' or SAS. ;) I'm not entirely sure how to handle this except with more and more prayer. I'm aware that my voice can get an edge as my pain levels increase and my answers get shorter as I'm holding my breath and through the stabs of pain and trying to remain standing and doing all the things that I need to do, or I'm trying to fight back frustration at my body not doing what it's suppose to. I really do try to control my emotions. I am more than aware that I don't "look sick" and that normal people have no idea what it feels like to not have control over their own bodies. I'd love to be able to tell him I could feel my finger tips and toes right now without having to pinch them to do so and that all my joints didn't feel like someone smashed them with a bat. I'd like to tell everyone how much my heart hurt that I couldn't hold my friend's baby last night because I was terrified I would drop her because my right hand kept going numb for no reason. And many nights I don't sleep at all because I wake up every 30 minutes feeling like my legs are on fire, but there's just too much to do to stay at home in bed so off we go to take care of business. And pray I smile enough not to offend the gossip mill...
No, You don't know me at all. And thanks for not bothering to ask. I appreciate it.

keeping it real...

Wouldn't you know it, as soon as I think to myself "I can do this. I can be completely honest about this" I'm hit with another bout of depression and I don't want to be honest about this. I want my first post to be positive and up lifting. I want people to come here and think it's a blog worth reading and follow me. So, what to do...Do I really keep it real? Do I really lay it on the line and admit that today Chiari is kicking my rear and I hurt like heck and I just want to cry? I feel like nothing is ever going to be better because there is no cure and it doesn't get better?  Sure, I have days where the symptoms aren't as bad and I can smile and fake it better. I can look normal for YOU better...but I'M never better.

And before anyone decides to rip me for my unChrist-like attitude, you can leave it at the door.  I challenge anyone else to walk in my shoes an wear a Pollyanna smile 24/7.  You won't find anyone in the Bible who did so don't try and force that standard on me. I'm a follower of Christ and I'm very obviously not perfect. I've never claimed to be. I've only ever claimed to be an imperfect person seeking His grace. That grace only works IN my weakness anyway...

Anyway, if you made it this far, Thank you. Stick around. I could certainly use your support and prayers...and tomorrow will surely be a better day, right?